and I will
-eyes, teeth, heart, soul, hands
and I will
-eyes, teeth, heart, soul, hands
A woman is the source of all life;
and you had the audacity to steal life
where are you in between today and ten years?
It’s not a mathematical equation;
50 percent here 50 percent there
80 percent now 20 percent tomorrow.
My yesterdays a collection of polished rocks I keep
locked away in a blue velvet pouch.
Magnifying glass broke from bending to see the future
when all it’s been inspecting is the past.
I was always supposed to be right there;
dancing on the tightropes of your insecurities and secrets.
You let down the bridge to your tall castle you built for years, keeping everyone out.
How is it in there?
Are you lonely? Is it cold?
All thoughts I ponder as you stare at me through the crack of purple window curtains;
like I’m a wild animal, a stray on the streets.
But I’m not a stray, I’m a person;
and I get scared just like you do.
But tell me why give someone a key if every other day you change the lock?
I have a love hate relationship with technology. On one hand, it brings us closer to those who don’t live in our neighborhood. On the other hand, we are never actually alone with ourselves. Our mind is constantly distracted by a screen and is never allowed the beautiful opportunity to just be.
This city is stale,
just like your promises.
And you can’t buy love
with love you don’t have to give.
Uncomfortable growth is my wool sweater
that’s three sizes too small.
All I want to do is just rip it off.
Maybe we were never meant to love each other.
Maybe we were meant to show each other how different two people could really be.
2015 is coming to an end.
With that in mind I opened up a letter today that I wrote myself in August when I first arrived in Miami, to City Year, to my school.
This letter had a powerful intention. Since the middle of the school year is the end of the already burnt candle, it is a time when some people do not return to Miami.
To City Year.
To their school.
To their kids.
I wasn’t going to open this letter today. I had been having a good day, why not wait for one of those really horrible days for a pep talk from yourself? But it was the very last day before a well needed two-week break, so I thought why not.
In the middle of the last period of my day I sat on a stool, leaning against the door of my classroom that contained 20 of my loud, rambunctious students eager to bust out of this room and begin their break, and read this letter to myself.
In that moment as I read the words from this letter I had forgotten I wrote so many months ago, 20 steel wires made of gold anchored me to this arduous classroom for the duration of the year.
I don’t quit. I don’t like it, I never will. But life is hard and even the most benevolent intentions can become cloudy and confusing when you get into the thick of whatever it is you are doing. It is so incredibly easy to lose track of why you started in the first place.
But 2015 is coming to an end, and there is no better time than now to reflect on our year to see if where we are is really where we are supposed to be, where we want to be. If you don’t have 20 steel wires made of gold anchoring you down to where you are, maybe it is time for a change.
Honesty is always the best policy.
If you are opening this, it probably means you are struggling. I hope your year has been everything you have imagined so far. I hope you have been challenged in all the ways you wanted. I’m here to tell you that even if you feel like giving up, don’t. You are not a quitter and that has has never been the case. You have been through so so much and despite what is going on, you are here for a reason. You up and left your friends, family, and life to follow your dreams and here you are. You can’t turn back now because you have come so far and you can do anything.
Remember your mindset.
You can choose to be happy.
Find happiness in the simple things like you have always done when things get rough. Call your friends, go for a run, make something tasty.
But above all, remember why you started.
You wanted to change the world in some small way. You wanted to help. Make a difference.
This school and these kids need you. You are strong. You are one of the strongest people. Others look up to you and seek your strength during hard times. If others look to you when things get difficult that speaks volumes of your true capabilities and power. We don’t get to choose where we are born but you are here to give to something bigger than yourself.
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Maintain your growth mindset and welcome new challenges into your life as opportunities to grow your mind and your skills. Good or bad, this experience is here to to test you to your core. But I know you got this because you do not give up. You don’t give up on people, ever. Dave would not want you to give up. He is so proud of your accomplishments and the wonderful woman you have become. Everyone is proud of you. But above all, do it for him. Keep going to give these kids and others an opportunity to live, and truly live. Open their eyes to a new life.
Remember, it is a curse and a blessing to feel everything so deeply. You are an optimist- so see the blessing part this year.
I hope at this point you have accomplished all that you have hoped to. If not, take a look at your goals. By the end of the year I hope you look more mature and ready to take on the world. I hope you have learned to let go of your need to control and have faith that everything will work out (and it will! It always does!). SIDE NOTE: One area I hope you have grown in is your ability to stay true to yourself. Don’t feel like you need to change yourself for the approval of others. Just be you, and do so relentlessly. The people who are supposed to be in your life will come. Be patient with yourself and others. Remember that not everyone is as tuned in as you are. People are still growing and are all at different points in their journeys. Be someone who helps them grow.
You can do this.
You started because this is important to you. Your actions do make a difference.
Go get em tiger!