Mirrors

What does it look like to put a face to fear?

What if the face if your own?

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unapologetic apologies

If you are in my life, I’m sorry.

You will probably be uncomfortable at some point. I’m sorry, but I am most likely going to hug you. A lot. Why? Because physical touch is something we have lost on the way from here to now. Touch is our reminder that we are still here, still breathing, still thriving. It lets us know everything is okay, everything will be okay.

If you are in my life, I’m sorry.

At some point you will probably be stomach sick of my positivity, optimism, and raw happiness. It might seem unfamiliar to you, but I wear all the facets of human existence on my sleeves and my face. I have no way of hiding it, I’m sorry. My happiness is a conscious choice, it is a contagious choice. The glass can always be half  full depending on which angle you view from.

If you are in my life, I’m sorry.

I will probably make you angry because I am going to push you out of the space you feel safe in. Please know my intentions are not to hurt you, they are to help you grow. I care about making you stronger; I want to see you succeed. I have invested in you, and I am fiercely committed to pushing you to be better. I will always hold you accountable. No matter what.

If you are in my life, I’m sorry.

Whether it’s a year, a month, or even a few minutes, I will cherish my time with you. I want to learn from you because I know our time together is limited and you have a plethora of experiences, knowledge, and stories to tell. I want to know all of it. Share this time with me, and understand my pain when we go too long apart. You add the brightness, hues, and saturation to my life.

If you are in my life, I’m sorry.

At some point you will be subjected to the silliness and goofiness that is me. Dancing is a way of life. Stupid jokes are the catharsis of smile and laughter. Pranks are my breath of fresh air. I struggle to walk the line between professional and playful and you will probably shake your head and cover your face but i. can’t. stop. This life can’t be taken too seriously. We only have this moment together, why not be unapologetically fun. Unapologetically us.

If you are in my life, I’m sorry.

I want to give you the world. I want to take you out to lunch and make you cards and cook for you. I want to give things to you, thoughtful things. And no, I don’t expect anything in return and no I don’t want you to pay me back. My world is not a system of checks and balances nor I versus you. It is we. This is how I connect us back together.

If you are in my life, I’m sorry.

I am going to love you. You may not be related to me, you may have just met me, but already, I love you. Let me shower you with love and affection because we live in a time where we can’t express this love for fear of being perceived as “weak” or “emotional”. I digress. You hold a special place in my heart and in my life and I love you for occupying it and bringing all your different colors and sounds and pictures. You need to know you set my world ablaze.

i am a hypocrite

I am a hypocrite.

I have come to the stark realization that I am a hypocrite.


 

One of my biggest values that has developed over the years is vulnerability.

I don’t believe in blanketing emotions, love, or hurt in attempt to validate our strength in being “put together” for the world.

If you interact with me on a daily basis, you would be in agreement that my actions reflect these beliefs. Actions always speak louder than words, and to know me is to know that I hold that proclamation to the highest standards of my personal moral code.

But I am a hypocrite and I have realized this today after reaching out during a moment of weakness. One of those life inflection points.

“But you look so happy”

Maybe to you outsider, I do look happy. Nothing on my facebook timeline or instagram page portrays the slightest bit of internal turmoil, angst, frustration, occasional loneliness, self-doubt, or battle with self-acceptance.

Nowhere can you see my struggle.

Your perception of my life is painted only by what I choose to highlight. And similar to you, I am craving social acceptance. I am craving to be someone that inspires you, evokes envy in you, or achieves success measured by your standards.

But why do I need your approval?

Your acceptance?

Is my own not enough?

In our blind, endless chase of perfection we are losing sight of who we really are. We are turning our exquisitely latticed lives into a blood-shed competition with one another. We are missing out on all the beauty along the way by trading the raw and the real for the polished and poised. We are trading the spread of great, innovative ideas for an edited image of what our hair looked like or what our outfit looked like or what our lives looked like.

What do we really look like?

It is time we unveiled our masks, stop cutting and pasting and lightening and darkening a life we are living for others and start living for ourselves.

Let’s build memories together. Let’s share our hurt and highlight our struggles because without failure we would never have goals and we would never have growth.

Let’s lead by example. I’ll start.

Without limitations

I am not afraid of you hurting me. It’s actually probably bad that I am like this. I have such a positive view of people in the world that the idea that others will hurt me does not exist in my mind. So I share myself willingly and fully. I let myself be seen. But from an evolutionary perspective- I am so screwed. I have no fear of the unknown or perception of danger, so when people do hurt me-which is a regrettably unavoidable part of this life we live- it hits twice as hard because I never even see it coming.

The only thing that can hurt me is me. My expectations. My absence of self-withholding. My lack of the emotional protection that seems all to common these days.

So no, I am not afraid of you. I am afraid of me.

My heart is full

Reflections from the night before graduation.

My heart is full. It is full with a thousand and more memories, ideas, people, places, stories, and emotions I have grown to learn and love over four years of insight.

I have struggled.

I have triumphed.

I have been challenged, in all ways a human can be challenged.

I have loved.

I have lost.

I have had my heart shatter.

And I have had it put back together with the soft hands of the lights of my life

                 I have grown.

                 I have become the version of myself I have looked up to in others.

                 I have become what I have chased unknowingly and blindly over a span of time.

My heart is full but my mind has plenty of room for more. It has been stretched and bent and it is worn in some spots where I tend to think too much, but it is ready for a new place. New ideas. New people and new things to explore.

It is as if I am bursting at the seams. Words and thoughts and love and emotion are flowing through my body like a river. There must be somewhere I can channel this energy. It needs a space. It needs a mold to fill, to crack. It is yearning to be put to work in a place that needs it the most.

There’s one more thing though. One emotion whose lines I can define among the tangled mess of the rest. There is a slight feeling of sadness. It feels similar to pricking your fingertip on a needle. Very small, but just slightly noticeable. It hurts to leave behind the shell that has housed all the warm and beautiful memories.

If there is one small idea I want to leave with all of the hearts that I have touched and have touched mine, it is love fully, be present, and be you. There is no greater pleasure in doing these three things. In doing so, one evades regrets and allows others to see the raw and real. There are no second chances in this life we grow to know and love.

So be here, be here now.

Be you, and do so relentlessly.

Let the love of others wash over you and heal you in the times of hurt. Accept this love not out of obligation but willingly. Accept this love because you are deserving of it. Don’t wait for special occasions or beginning or ends to give love to others who are just as deserving as you are.

But most importantly, be fearless. Be courageous in your words and your actions because you are strong and you can create waves in a pond that has been stagnant for far too long.

You are ready.

Begin.